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I was 17 at the time. Of course I didn't know it then But I was slowly going mad. 1   Everyone was flying and talking backwards. Tick tick tick wealllllllllyy boom. 2   As you can see. 3   suddenly i was attacked by a hoard of randomly rabid woodland creatures,

nibbled by squirrels and beaten by badgers i made a run for the airport, i got into a jellyfish and flew to azerbajan. 4  

when i got there i obtained a monkey and set off on my quest. (quite what it was i was not sure). I decided to go east ( at least i think it was east) as it seemed a good way to go. 5   I headed on East and got attacked by a rather load, drunken banana tree. 6   After I had recovered I noticed a shadowy figure at the top of the tree. 7   The figure stood about 5 foot 10 and whose face was hidden from view. They jumped down and started talking... 8   "You smell a bit ripe, where have you been?" Said the stranger, before getting mauled from behind by a small dancing elephant 9   10 minutes later i boarded another jellyfish and headed for the small island of Khahootalogs somewhere in an ocean, on arrival i was met by a kiwi fruit dressed in traditional clothing. 10   "I beleive that you have a groovy chimpanzee of mine on loan....i'd like it back" Said the kiwi fruit.

It was then mauled by a small dancing elephant before leaping into a small box which then exploded in a huge plume of dookie 11   The kiwi that is 12   Or WAS IT? 13   Or WAS IT? 14   Yes it was.

"The chimpanzee you asked for is now dead, i'm afriad it was mauled by a small dancing green elephant" I Said 15   Yes it was.

"The chimpanzee you asked for is now dead, i'm afriad it was mauled by a small dancing green elephant" I Said 16   Yes it was.

"The chimpanzee you asked for is now dead, i'm afriad it was mauled by a small dancing green elephant" I Said 17   Soon the mayor of the island was showing me round the island, it was up for sale. the mayor of the island was in fact a small, brown, hairy can of baked beans with a walking stick, dodgy moustache and wearing a skimpy lycra suit. 18   Soon the mayor of the island was showing me round the island, it was up for sale. the mayor of the island was in fact a small, brown, hairy can of baked beans with a walking stick, dodgy moustache and wearing a skimpy lycra suit. 19   He had many bruisings due to a now infamous small pinky-green dancing, prancing elephant mauling him repeatedly 20   NOTE - aaagghhhh multiple postings - don't press refresh or it reposts your last thing!!!! END NOTE 21   "well perhaps i like repeating myself" Said a small greeny-pink stripy elephant wearing dungarees and smoking pot, just before it mauled a slightly smaller greeny-pink stripy elephant wearing dungarees and smoking pot. 22  

All of a sudden i came crashing to the ground with a large bang. The world was spinning. 23   I awoke to find a large lump on my head, it looks as if the small pinky-green elephant had hit me on the head and kidnapped me. I was now in a small cell in the middle of Africa 24   But how could i tell? Perhaps i was in the middle of a small boring town in Hampshire where nothing really goes on....but then, why would a small greeny-pink elephant that smokes pot and now has the ability to made rude noises on demand be in the middle of a small boring town in Hampshire where nothing really goes on? Hum... 25   *Small Greeny-pink elephant strains for a second before letting rip of a very large fruity one*

*RASP* 26   At this i ran as fast as i could into the bar.
"Ouch" 27   In my dreams i found the love of my life, i decided to go find her/him depending on how i was feeling... 28  
"whatever floats your boat" Said a passing pinky-green elephant which can make rude noises on demand and has rather big toenails

29   *RASP*
*PHRFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRR* 30  

I discovered that the love of my life was actually the mythical doubting beast. No one knows why she is called this as she doesn't actually have any beast like qualties. This didn't put me off though. I got down on one knee and asked her "Will you marry me".

She said "Maybe"

I screamed with fustration. "NO, THE ANSWER IS NO".

"How do you know?" she said.

"beacuse" I replied "Maybe is the word you use when you don't want to hurt others fellings. I know it, you know it, Just admit you don't like me" 31  

"Ok, I hate you" She screamed.
"There, that wasn't too hard was it now?"
"How do you know?" She said at a volume that would if life existed on mars rendered them entirely deaf, or so it seemed. 32   at that moment a deaf martian flew down in a flying saucer and blasted her. I never saw her again. Except at that one great party run by a bloke who said he came from a small planet somewhere in the vacinity of Beetlejuise. 33  

[Ok who thinks the elf has love problems again?]

The small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, has rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round its neck suddenly mauled the alien, which then staggered off into its ship and started crying to itself. 34   Oh, yeah, and then the elephant did a little dance, curtsied (?) and flew off in a small jellyfish 35  

By now the elephant was starting to irritate me so I searched for a bottle of that old yanx spirit and downed it. 36   Downing an small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, has rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wears a too-too, balaclava and brandishes a pitchfork was quite hard, so I washed it down with some old yanx spirit which i had found... 37   Seeing as the elephant was now DEAD (Thank god) I set off on my travels again 38   Once back on my travels I came across a sunny island joined to the land by a small bridge. Once on this island I had some strange experiences.
I swear that I kept seeing the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wears a too-too, balaclava and brandishes a pitchfork. I decided to leave the planet. 39  

On that note i decided that i would go and see my great uncle ernie in his psychiactric home on Venus 40   To my surpise They were playing Shocking Blue over the tannoy system. (It's better than Bananarama I suppose) 41   Suddenly the tannoy system fuzzed over and the song changed with a click and a wurr to Bananrama. Crap. 42   The original is better why have you changed to this terrible Cover Version?. She's Got It YEAH BABY She's got it 43   So I went to see my uncle and i found out he had been turned into a small green pot smoking elephant too!!!! ARRGGHHH attack of the elephants! run for your lives!! Helllppp heellllppp hhhhhheeeeelllllp... ahem. So i grabbed my gun and headed for the rumpus room. 44   as i stepped into the rumpus room i realised it wasnt a rumpus room! I had stepped into the neverending oblivion of space... 45   as i stepped into the rumpus room i realised it wasnt a rumpus room! I had stepped into the neverending oblivion of space... 46  

........................

space

is

boring
.............................................................I then realised i could call lassie my jellyfish from here with my special call!!! "whats up skip!" I shouted at the top of my voice. (ok ok so you cant speak or even live in the vacuum of space but for the purpose of the story lets let it happen) 47   *raaaaaaaaaaassssssppppppppp* 48   At some point in this story i'm going to kill al of the elephants 49  

Suddenly a small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wears a too-too, balaclava and brandishes a pitchfork leapt on top of my very recently encountered leopard and mauled it, before turning to me and in an incredibly butch voice said: 50   "To find out your future call: 0875 0229922, that's: 0875 0229922! Call now!!" 51   I phoned the number and discovered that it was a meglomaniac selling nuclear weapons. I decided to buy a small one to wipe the pinky green elephants out with later. 52   At that moment one of the small pinky-green elephants that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wears a too-too, balaclava and brandishes a pitchfork jumped on me and made a rude noize on my face. 53   BOOM BOOM 54   At this point I had blown the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wears a too-too, balaclava and brandishes a pitchfork up into a hundred peices.
Suddenly I realised that each of these 100 peices was now an even smaller pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wears a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles. 55   The small pinky-green elephants that smoke pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round their neck, wears too-too's, balaclava, brandishes pitchforks and can hypnotize small turtles started jumping up at me and clawing at my newly aquired false legs.... 56   Luckily I managed to take one of my legs off and bat the small pinky-green elephants that smoke pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round their neck, wears too-too's, balaclava, brandishes pitchforks and can hypnotize small turtles off me, saving myself and my false legs at the same time. Seeing that I can fight back they got bored and went away. Only to return later in the story.

anyway, I made my way into a cheese factory filled with haddock and smelling of eggs. There a man with a long moustache and a platted beard spoke to me: 57   Suddenly justas he was saying something really important to me. I woke up. 58   I woke to find that i was wearing no trousers, and just at that moment an african chimpanzee called Margret Thatcher decided to jump out at me and to my amazement started to give me a manacure. Suddenly, for some reason Maggie turned into an alsation.
"Margret, me old mucker, when did I give you permission to turn into an alsation???" 59  

I decided the best option was to ignore Maggie and turn to a more important issue - where had my trousers gone? 60   I found a barrel and put that round my waist to hide my genetalia, wandered round for a bit and found a small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round it's neck, wears a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles wearing my trousers! 61  

I have returned siad the fearless guy known as Dave. 62   "So have I" said the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round it's neck, wears a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles wearing my trousers. he drew a fish from my trousers and began slapping maggie with it. 63   Maggie started to scream and suddenly here head exploded in a big ball of flame, engulfing the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round it's neck, wears a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles and is wearing my trousers in flames. 64   the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round it's neck, wears a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles and is wearing my trousers and is on fire casually wandered off, later to return with a friend.

This 'friend' looked like a 65   fluffy toilet seat that appeared to be transexual and was the shape of a tramps beard 66   ewok 67   the friend and the the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round it's neck, wears a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles and is wearing my trousers and is on fire then continued 2 follow me as i went to 68   Switserland of all places! Nice place, made of cheese you know...

Anyway the friend that looks like a fluffy toilet seat that appeared to be transexual and was the shape of a tramps beard with knobs on darted across to talk to a native roll. 69   A native roll? 70   Yes, a Swiss Roll. 71   How do you make a swiss roll? 72   Push him down a mountain! 73   As I walked along i fell down a hole in the landscape, only to fall onto a rather fat mouse, that was in the middle of a staring contest with a buffalo. I chose to ignore this as a small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round it's neck, wears a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles and is wearing my trousers in flames started running down one of the cheese tunnels directly at me with a rather worried look on it's face. "Get out of ze vay yoo bafoon!" It screamed in a strange accent as it pushed me aside. I now realised what was chasing it, 74   a giant angry looking freezer lolly clutching a razor sharp harp in one hand and a 75   butchers knife with the blood of the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round it's neck, wears a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles and is wearing my trousers in flames who knows where and when he might return as there seams to be a small army of them floating around... 76   butchers knife with the blood of the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round it's neck, wears a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles and is wearing my trousers in flames who knows where and when he might return as there seams to be a small army of them floating around... 77  

Ironically, as this was thought, EXACTLY the moment - a small army of small pinky-green elephants that smoke pot, can make rude noises on demand, have rather big toenails and have novelty loo seats round they're necks, wear too-too's, balaclava's, brandish pitchforks and can hypnotize small turtles and are wearing my trousers in flames marched over the horizon, brandishing their pitchforks menacingly. Understandibly the giant angry looking freezer lolly clutching a razor sharp harp in one hand and a butchers knife with the blood of the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round it's neck, wears a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles and is wearing my trousers in flames melted with horror. 78  
althought he had melted, the giant angry looking freezer lolly clutching a razor sharp harp in one hand and a butchers knife in the other managed to do a trick to make him self multiply, his melted corps split in to two and regenarated them selves to make two giant angry looking freezer lolly clutching a razor sharp harp in one hand and a butchers knife in the other hand. They BOTH then similainously split themselves in half and so on and so on untill there was an army of giant angry looking freezer lollys.

Just as they had finished, the small pinky-green elephants that smoke pot, can make rude noises on demand, have rather big toenails and have novelty loo seats round they're necks, wear too-too's, balaclava's, brandish pitchforks and can hypnotize small turtles and are wearing my trousers in flames had reached them what folowed was a 79   catacylsmic fart that tore Switzerland apart. I was thrown onto the Atlantic ocean where i swam to a small island that appeared to be inhabited by gnomes. 80   which for some strange reason were all named chris... 81   I whistled sharply and a friendly jellycopter took me away to 82   a far off place that from the air looked like a gopher trapped inside a babybel cheese wax coating. On landing on this island i was met by it's entire population, all of which bowed down before me and started chanting " 83   Ich Bin Ein Holzfaller und fullt mich stark!"

I ran. Very fast. 84   Very fast into a cave that smelt of goat's feet mixed with a fruity blend of skunk and weasel's earwax. Inside this cave i met a very old wise bear, i took this chance to ask him the most important question on my mind: 85   I took a deep breath, looked the wise old bear straight in the eyes and said...

"What is the fruitiest word I know?"

The wise old bear looked perplexed and started laughing hysterically, "That is the most important question. Of all the questions in all the world not what is the meaning of life but 'what is the fruitiest word I know?' Priceless." he giggled some more and once he gained his composure he said, "Well surely it is obvious because you know the answer... it's 86   ....


Just as the wise old bear leant to one side he was chopped in half by an oddly ferocious ninja teddy bear. 87   He then looked at me with an evil glint in his eye and started to walk towards me, i backed out of the cave veeeeerrrrrryyyyyy slowley the ninja teddy then summersaulted over my head and run off in to the distance leaving me standing there with my heart pounding and the questian still going round in my head i started to mutter to my self and walked in to the sunset because at this time it had started to get dark. I found some snow ger lying beside me and then started a treck off in to the near by mountains. 88   There i found an ancient civilisation of spaghetti hoops. 89  

I walked into this strange new civilization with a feeling at the pit of my stomach, that FINALLY something good was about to happen to me. no...wait *RASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSP* it was just an incredibly juicy fart. 90  

I walked into this strange new civilization with a feeling at the pit of my stomach, that FINALLY something good was about to happen to me. no...wait *RASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSP* it was just an incredibly juicy fart. 91   Which rumbeled through the hills scareing the spaghetti hoop people away. It started to get cold and by some stroke of luck i had a tin foil blanket in the snow gear. "Woo Hoo" I thought, i wraped myself up for the evening but found that in the middle of the night it was to warm, I awoke to find that i was rosting slowly in an open fire some wondering nomads thought i was a giant baked potato sitting in the snow waiting to be baked. I jumped out of the fire and then started rolling arond in the snow to put out the fire. Once i was out, the leader of the nomads and he said 92  

"Oh, bugger, bot another live one... ah well we're gonna have to club you again arent we...?"

At that moment, everything went dark.

I woke up in a strange new place called 'Ikon'. I had been clubbed. 93  

There were all these strange people around me that seemed to be dancing to this...utter crap that has no right to be called music. and then out of the darkness came the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round it's neck, wears a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles. OH DEAR GOD! It ran towards me with a look on its face that meant only one thing, it wanted to fart in my mouth. 94   the trousers, i had noticed had burned up, due to them being on fire. 95   only he didnt cause the trousers were burning still and the place would burn down. i backed out of Ikon because it ws scaring me so much only to find that 96   the elephant had sense and felt the world would be a safer place without Ikon. The small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, has rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wear a too-too, balaclava, brandishes apitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles and is wearing my trousers in flames chased me for a while before i found a usefully placed shotgun and blew its head off. I then proceeded to set Ikon on fire and spilt all the alcohol. 97  

As i ran out of ikon i noticed i head left my left arm in their, and it was slowly cooking, i hadnt eaten fo ages and it was starting to make me hungry. I invested the help of a passing explosion, jumped on my magic carpet, which i pulled from my snow gear, and rode the blast into ikon. I grabbed my arm and reattached it but i would need to find some sort of doctor to treat the burns. they were horrible burns so i had to do something drastic, something disturbing i had to find the NURSE! 98   As I walked in to the nurses office i notices that she was rather busy having an afair with a small mouse i coughed loudly sevaral times but this didnt get their atention, they seamed to involved with each other to notice my presence so i helped myself to some medical surplies as i realised that the best the nurse would do was give me a throught sweet any way. I tended to my wounds and walked off leaving the mouse and the nurse to it. 99  

you bitch. 100   i walked off, medical supplies safely stashed in my snow gear backpack. And wandered round this strange building, it seemed to be a school as it had students walking round it, i noticed some of them...

there was a really tall one, he kept hitting his head on the ceiling, and walking next to this, almost paper thin being was a short figure that i could quite work out. And then it hit me. It was just a huge pair of breasts with a head, legs and arms. I felt sorry for them and i had to put them out of their misery, so i pulled out a shotgun (so many shotguns everywhere) and slaughtered them for their own good. 101   "Good Shot!" said a small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, has rather big toenails, has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wear a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles.
"Thanks" I replied.
"How about a G&T?" said the elephant, "my name's Harold by the way. I see you've met some of my kind before, terrible bunch, no manners!"
Harold set out a picnic rug and took a bottle of G&T out of his hamper, poured them into 2 glasses and offered me a glass. He offered a toast:
"To you and your quest to find the answer to your question, 'What's the fruitiest word you know!?'" 102  

Harold then said, in a full-blown corny english accent:
"Nice knowing you, me old mucker.." and walked off. I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that i'd be meeting this gentle-mannered small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, has rather big toenails, has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wear a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles, with a corny English accent again 103  
I left the building to find my self in the dullest town imaginable, all that the town had was some shops a few pubs and numerous houses. I hoped on the train that took me back to the capital there I boarded an international flight. After many hours on this plane I noticed that the plane started to rock about in a concerning fashion. It started to go in to a steep dive and then the pilots voice came over the PA system and told every one that the plane was going to crash in the sea and that there was enough parachutes for everyone on board, all that was bar 1. I was the last to leave my set because I was listing to the announcements. This foolish mistake cost me I had to sit there and make a parachute out of penguin wrappers I held my breath as I jumped out of the plane hoping that the parachute wouldn’t fail but McVities had lied to me you couldn’t make a parachute from them. Panic swept through me but in the distance I could see something greeny pink flying towards me it seamed that the gentle-mannered small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, has rather big toenails, has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wear a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles, with a corny English accent. Harold had come to rescue me! 104  

Or had he?? 105  

Close, it was a distant cousin of the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, has rather big toenails, has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wear a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles. The Lesser Spotted Greeny Pink elephants who took herbal medicines, makes farts that sound like the London symphony orchestra on demand, has a piece of U-Bend around it's neck wears a suit and a bowler hat brandishes a briefcase and can hypnotize small children. Yes That’s right, the more refined city cousin of the small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, has rather big toenails, has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wear a too-too, balaclava, brandishes a pitchfork and can hypnotize small turtles.


These elephants can fly and hear the distress of mettle in air and comes to help any person or being falling helplessly though the sky and lands them on the nearest island with the tools needed for the survival.


The elephant took me to one of the Caribbean islands where
106   i smelt really quite badly. 107   I realized that the stink was making me physically sick so I wandered the island to see what I could find. I stumbled upon a monkey colony in which one of the monkeys looked very familiar, it was Margaret!! Yes that happy little chimpanzee had moved to the Caribbean lucky thing, I discovered that the chimps seamed to regard Margaret as their leader and as I knew Margaret this made me semi in control. Margaret seamed to recognize me as I advanced towards them and she came up to me offered her hand and took me to see every body.

I showed Margaret my designs for a coconut shower so I could get cleaned up. She pointed and they already had one installed. (Bit of a bonus really) the monkeys then fed me and gave me some clothing that they had lying around and sent me on their way because they worked out about what a stink I could make. They pointed me to a raft and I was on my way. 108   Little did i realise they merely pointed me to theyre toilet, but it floated and was generally elephant-free, so i paddled off into the distance (i assumed the long hard brown things were paddles anyway...) 109  

<Message from dave>I can't win can I? I spend months trying to promote this site and get visitors and nobody comes. The moment I abandon the site to work on a completely new project a whole load of madmen come and take over. Whoever it was who said to get my hair cut: That photo's old. Admittidely it does need a trim in it's current state but I'm busy with exams at the moment and so can't get it cut. How are you all anyway? Have you posted your location on the guestmap yet? Keep enjoying the site. If anybody wants to take it off me and use the Positively Paranoid name and the interactive story please e-mail me or post a message in the board. Keep writing.</end Message> 110  

Whilst paddling i felt wery, and remembered i hadn't had anything to drink for about 12 hours, and i was dehydrating fast. I needed water. Rather than resort to drinking my own urine i took a sip of sea water, even though i knew that this dehydrates you even more. Strangely enough, the sea water tasted like, like Vimto! I looked around and in my dehyrated state i had floated into Purple Ronnie's Vimto Factory, and i was in a sea of Vimto. 111   As I was one of the few sane people in the world who hated Vimto and everything it stood for, I hurriedly flushed the monkey toilet, and was transported to a parallel universe, where a man with orange, leathery skin and a dodgy haircut was showing some complete idiots around an auction lot and telling them that the anriques were as low priced as chopped up fried potatoes. 112  

Then all of a sudden at the other end of the hall were a couple of cannonballs dressed in white coats. As they were slowly walking down the hall I took the sherbet founatin I had in my bag and knocked it back in one go.

"where were you while we were getting high?" asked the cannonballs in white coats. I tried to reply but found I was too hyperactive and started running around the room. 113   I ran into the orange man, who unleashed his army of rabid dictionaries onto the white coated cannonballs. The dictionaries soon had the situation under control, so I left the auction lot through a door in the side on an antique vase. The orange man tried to follow, but exploded for no apparent reason, whatsoever. 114   hooray. I have returned said Mr. tickle and promptly dissaperaed in a puff of smoke. 115  
And with that Arthur Lowe and Ian Lavender appeared and started talking about some war and how they were going to stop it if the enemy came over here only for their decsendents to fuck up all thier work 50 years later. 116  

Guinness.

117   Bom bom ti bom dilidy bomti bomti bom 118   This was precisely my point, and i expressed it in a very similar way. 119  


WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


120   've got...
Apples and bananas, we've got pineapples and pears, we've got sausages and bacon, we've got ribbons in our hair, on the first floor we have coconuts, vanilla and fried rice, but what ain't we got? 121  

Stairs? 122   A plump mouse with an over-sized chip on it's shoulder. Crinkle-cut, of course. Maybe slightly over-cooked. With the bits of potato skin on the edges. And dripping in grease. Lots of grease. Lashings of the stuff. Grease.... Grease........ Ahem. 123   well as soon as i got that cleared up with a v strong de-greaser i decided i NEVER wanted to see or hear about it again (all though i probably would) the mouse walked off minus the chip and beckoned me to follow him. 124   "come, you must follow me to your destiny!" said the mouse in a very high pitched but wise voice, who whilst wandering forwards and looking behind at me fell into a freshly made steak and kidney pie. "ouch" said the pie. 125   The pie in fact turned out to be a heffalump pie, with woozle gravy. A small yellow bear wearing a red jacket with 'shit' written on the front, and a small, oddly shaped striped pig were running away, smeared in hunny, a substance similar to honey, but spelt wrong, and were being chased by what appeared to be a combination of a tiger, a spring and a nutcracker. I decided to follow them, as I had heard that hunny made a good glue. Not sure why this made me follow them, but it seemed to be a good reason at the time. 126   It wasn't. 127  

Meanwhile over on the other side of the world an old man was playing a game of chess with his Dog. The dog sensing what was going on abandoned the game of chess and started making his way around the world. We will learn more about his importance later.

128   Suddenly the small stripey pig turned round and mauled me. It was as i recovered that i realised that it wasn't a pig at all, it was a small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wears a too-too and a balaclava. only it's trunk had been chopped off. 129   Oddly, the trunk had been replaced with an even smaller rhinocerous called Herman. Herman was a German. 130   Where Herman the German the rhinocerous attached to where the trunk should be on a small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, can make rude noises on demand, with rather big toenails and has a novelty loo seat round its neck, wears a tu-tu and a balaclava should have had one, two, or in this case, seventy-nine point three, horns, he had a rather squashed looking lemon with a cocktail stick in. The cocktail stick proudly held a small lump of cheese and a space where a piece of pineapple had once been. The chess playing dog had stolen it. Greedy Bugger. I wanted that. Hmph. I likes pineapple I do. Damn dog. 131   *Interuptrion from the creator of the Dog*

I would like to point out that the Dog has only just left his location from the other side of the world and is currently several hundered miles from the elephants location and so couldn't have eaten the pineapple.

For anyone interested the Dog's name is Graham and the person he was playing Chess against was called Paul.

Graham Won.

*End of Interuption* 132   *Post-Interuption Interuption from the dreator of the lemon, cocktail stick, cheese and missingpineapple*

Since when have logic or physics ever cared about a chess-playing dog called Graham, his whereabouts, what he ate, what he didn't eat, an overly-described elephant or a missing pineapple chunk?

*End of Post-Interuption Interuption* 133   <another interuption using different things>

Since Graham was vital to future plotlines.

<end> 134  
As there is such a *huge* interest in Graham (the chess playing dog) let's drop in on his journey and see how he's doing.

Graham is currently stuck in America and is bieng held under suspicion of being a terrorist.

(Next week Graham waves the union jack in Great Britian and is accused of being Racist.) 135   After being cleared of being a terrorist Graham set sail for the UK. The fact that he didn't have a passport didn't bother him as he'd just claim asylum and live a life of luxury for two or three months. There was an operation on his back right leg that he had been meaning to get done anyway. The hospital's can put back somebody who's been waiting 15 years for the same operation so I, a chess playing dog from the other side of the world who has just wandered in of his own accord can have my leg fixed.

(Am I being a bit too obvious in stating what everyone else is thinking?) 136  

A strange trogolodyte, lets call him - oh i dunno - Alfred, poached an egg on the roof of his very warm cave this morning. It was very nice. 137   the egg was a very rare egg. It's yolk was 138   alive with the sound of music. 139  

All of a sudden Graham came across a small lump of ginger hair. He picked up a pointy stick that was convieniently lying near by and prodded the thing. All of a sudden it started singing...

"The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there will be sun"

Graham took an even pointier stick and had hairy thing kebab. 140   As the hairy thing was being digested, it inexplicably transformed into a working scale model of a chainsaw made entirely of paperclips and pencil leads. The little men that operated Graham from the inside and taught him how to play chess were immediately killed by the chainsaw, leaving his stomach worms to take control of his body. They used him to take over the world; demolishing enemy buildings, killing opposing citizens and generally being a bit of a nuisance. Some years later, however, Graham decided to be de-wormed. This left no one to control him, so he died. At his funeral, he was cremated, and his ashes were spread on a piece of toast. In doggie heaven, Graham looked down upon the world and did his business whilst directly above France. 141  

Look who's character is Graham? You can kill off your own characters but you can't kill off other peoples unless you have permission from the characters creator. In this case no one but me can kill Graham.

Graham is still alive and well and has almost caught up with the Pink Elephant where he will deliver a very important piece of news. 142  
Just because Graham is dead doesn't mean he isn't alive. He had ashes you know. When he was crapping on France, or giving birth to a Frenchman if you prefer, then he suddenly saw the pink elephant with the overly elaborate description beating up a rather unsightly looking group of snails. The elephant semmed to be having a spot of bother, so Graham decided to appear nearby and help him out. It just so happens that the toast on which Graham's ashes were spread was eaten by the elephant a couple of hours previously, making Graham his(hers/its) guardian angel(dog). The two thoroughly defeated the unisghtly looking snail gang, and Graham delivered the very important piece of news before running over and cocking his leg against the unsightly looking snail leader. Needless to say, the snail was far from pleased. 143   Wam bam bam bam bam bam bam
denow denow denow denow 144  



Willy



145   And now we return to my adventure...


"Cough Cough!" said a small snail sat next to me on the late jellyfish to Cairo, the reason for me going to Cairo was not too obvious, but i couldn't work it out.
"I say old chap, have you seen the latest Star Wars movie?" said the snail. Suddenly all the weird things I had seen became normal, now things were getting weird! 146  

No one can stop me now. I am invincible! 147   The cry of I AM INVINCIBLE came from a dog sat in the corner of the room who had just beaten the world chess champion at chess. 148   Who will buy?....


Who will buy?....

Who will buy?.... 149   This is just getting silly now.

*Parp* 150  

Have I done Annie yet? 151  

Why the hell did i just put my name as Amy? Who's Amy? And why am i suddenly thinking of someone I've never met before.
She seems quite nice though. 152   Dum dum ded dum der der der der der dum dum de dum der der der der der dum dum de dum GONNA RAIN ON MY PARADE! 153   *Pitter Patter* 154  


And now for soemthing completely different.


Bong. 155   The clock chimed once to tell the awaiting world that the time was 3 o clock. The clock in this particular village was of course very old and could only manage bonging the bell once before getting puffed out and needing his inhaler and the assistance of a very fine young nurse named Harriet. 156  

As this was happening various world superpowers were developing armies to end the Pink Elephants virtual monopoly of this story.


"This elephant is dangerous" said a little man with a funny voice. 157   "yes, these phantom menaces must be destroyed," replied a tall black palm tree wearing only a robe, "Their power is growing and soon they will be able to revolt against their grey coloured oppressers."
"We are hearing rumours that the Americans are willing to aid the pinky green ones, if this happens we will all be doomed, of course Britain will have to aid them aswell." added the leader of a small african island. "I'm afraid we have stopped following the USA into pointless wars!" replied the British leader (who is a small jug-eared panda bear.)
"Yes you will!" shouted the USA's leader, a strange monkey smelling of oil and carrying a small keypad with a big red button on it. "Ok." replied the British leader in a small voice. 158  

As this conversation was taking place hoards of tiny little ants gathered in a famous public place to protest against the action that was proposed against the elephant. It was somewhen during this that Graham, the chess playing dog reached his destination.

"Are you the Pinky-Green Elephant with a toilet seat round his neck, wearing a balaclava and smoking pot?" 159   "Nah sorry mate! If you look closely I'm more a purpley-green colour, the pinky-green elephant just left!" 160  

Sensing something wasn't right Graham asked the Elephant to come with him. 161   the elephant refused, saying 'listen oblong-face, i cuss you up bad. if you werent such a skank, id sell you down the market to an unsuspecting child
except: i wont. i was lying -do you see?'
then suddenly, they bumped into a townie.
'mind the sneaks, man' it said. 'you looking at my bird?' ' just one call on this phone, guy, and youre gonna go down. i'll get my man Derek to smack you up bad, guy' 162  

Luckily for Graham he had just been listening to a random Smiths record. He used his new found cynicism to baffle the townie and nick the long piece of rope that he was carrying for some reason. With it he tied both the townie and the elephant to a large pole which just conveiniently happened to be there. 163   Soon after the innocent elephant escaped leaving the townie tied to the post. After a time of crying like a baby the townie called his mates who freed him and went elephant hunting, armed only with their 'bling bling' silly caps sat too high on their heads and their designer clothes. 164  


What would happen if all the Townies were robbed of their labels? 165   if the townies were robbed of their labels they would wither and die.
which they will soon do, with any luck.
166  

My creative spark has gone again. I'm off to compile the most definitive list of greatest songs ever that I can. I'll still be blogging and adding to this on occasion but apart from that the site will seem very neglected for an extremly long time. 167   i'm guessing thyat it will include 'there is a light..'
did you know the song was originally supposed to feature lyrics 'there is a light in your eyes that never goes out' and that there are not real strings on there, it's an emulator as rough trade wouldnt let morrissey and marr have an orchestra. now back to the story, people. 168   Ah the greatest song about Unrequited love ever ever ever. Did you know that Every Breath You Take is a Stalkers song.

Every breath you take, every move you make, every word you say, every night you pray I'll Be Watching You.

And people play it at weddings. I would just for the irony. 169   no - the greatest song about unrequited love is 'reel around the fountain'


you didnt know that?
170   TIALTNGO is better. 171   To gain extra powers our intredpid hero used a oiuja board.

"Ouija board, oija board oiuja board, will you work for me?" 172   All of a sudden the table started rumbling and the glass started moving.

"No I was not pushing that time" demanded Graham.

It's spells G-R-A-H-A-M.

The table is rumbling and the glass is moving again. The chess plaing dog further insisted he was pushing as he saw it spell the following.

"P-U-S-H-O-Double-F" 173  

All of a sudden a strange little man called Steven popped up and asked the chess playing dog if he'd stop plagurising his songs. 174   but then was taken away by the inhabitants of this happy planet with all the carnivores and all the destructors on it. 175  

But the planet was far from happy. Infact it was so unhappy that Graham suddenly realised why he had travelled all this distance in the first place.

Graham was the star in "A Comedy Gig For Peace" 176   but he was having trouble, cause he'd lost his bag in newport pagnell. 'oh dear' he remarked. 'anyway, did you know nadia has a new blog?'
177   i pondered on this question.....and in reply i said "No!...no i didnt kow that nadia has a new blog!" Suddenly Nadia was Gone, in puff of Yellow smoke (the colour is important! - but dont ask me why!!). as i made my way through the *Yellow* smoke, i noticed her trying to force the back door open to escape!!

as i approached to help her with this task, a small pinky-green elephant that smokes pot, wears a novely loo seat round its neck, a tutu, a balaclava, brandishing a pitchfork, and wearing my trousers, Stated to Maul Her!!!!!....as i watched i recognised the creature from my past....Yes, My Beast of Burden was Back to haunt me!!!! 178  


whilst all this havoc was going on wars were stoping all over the universe. People were so distarcted by the sight of a comdedic chess playing dog and a small pinky green elephant etc etc that they all completely forgot what they were fighting for in the first place.

Graham had succeeded. At long last world peace had been acieved.

However within about three seceonds several minor wars broke out as to whose seat was whose and whether the elderly or the pregnant should have priority. 179   This war was short lived, as a fat man came and took both the seats. 180  

The next question was to what was the world to look up to? The answer was simple. The world would look up to the sky. And that Blimp.

Oh no, thats the fat man with two chairs. 181  


On a TOTALLY unrelated subject i just let rip. Just thought that the public might want to know. 182   "You can't fight in here, This is the War Room!" 183  


In a fat person, far, far away (well, just 'over the pond') trouble was brewing - the mexican from the night before was brawling with the chinese he had for breakfast. 184   "Ariba! Ariba!" shouted the mexican as he took his sombrero off and threw it at the Chinese, killing it in one blow. The Mexican was then swallowed by a Big M*c, super large fries and a large soda. 185  


The fat person suffered a fatal heart attack and died soon after. The police are looking for Ronald Mc Donald in relation to a series of cholesterol-murders. 186   "This is the Police! Drop your weapons and come out with your hands up!"
"You'll NEVER get me! I have a nuclear device! I want 100 BILLION DOLLARS or i blow it up!" The cheery McDon*lds clown had cracked... 187   You could see it in his facepaint, it looked as if he had worn it for weeks on end, cracked like a desert starved of 2 hydrogen and 1 Oxygen atom... 188   The stars all looked purple that evening. 189   Which is odd, as they were in fact a blend of magenta and cyan. 190  


Geoff was a happy cave man on the outskirts of sanity. His hobbies included hitting a stream with a large club, and growing his hair. 191   But there was a deeper, more intence side to him which only came out when the sun would set at 10:23 pm, which luckily for him and the other folks around that it didn't happen too often, as he 192   died. 193   Well we kind of left this on a down note. 194  

Elsewhere in this rather neglected universe lived a rather happy man. 195   His name was Jim 196   Jim was rather fluent in bending the truth, much to the irritation and simultaneous amusement of his friends. 197  

And lo the story began again. This time we join our hero a few years after his encounter with the pink elephant. 198  

Behold a new beginning! 199  

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