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The best writers ever were gathered at the Harriette Austin Writers Conference. The keynote address hadn't started yet, and no one quite knew why. 1
Diane alternated pacing in the foyer,pulling her hair out of her diamond studded hairpins and yelling for someone, anyone to find Ralph. 2
Unknown to anyone at the Conference carrying a clip board, Ralph had enjoyed a leisurely breakfast with Harriette in the Coffee Shop, and was now strolling the Center corridors with her as she turned up all the thermostats. 3
Unknown to Harriette and Ralph, noted porn authoress Darla Devale was slinking behind them. For years she had pestered Charles Connor to let her present a workshop at HAWC, but he politely turned her down every time. When there was no 2006 HAWC, she relished the thought that ostracizing her had brought down the conference for all time---revenge! This year she was appalled to discover that the HAWC had risen phoenix-like from the flames she had imagined, and Darla diligently lobbied, nay demanded, that Diane let her give the keynote address. Turned down yet again, Darla registered for the HAWC under the nom de plume of Jane Ackworth. Now determined to ruin the conference, she pursued Harriette and Ralph down the hall.
When Darla accosted them, Harriette assumed she was one of the conference attenders who often come forward in awe to introduce themselves to her, and greeted the woman graciously in spite of the tousled hair and the mismatched, gaudy jewelry overloading the woman's neck, wrist and fingers. Ralph, however, was suspicious and moved between them to protect Harriette. That is why Harrriette did not at first notice Darla's gun.
Shoving Ralph aside, Darla grabbed Harriette's arm so that she dropped her briefcase full of manuscripts. Before Harriette could say a word in protest, Darla stamped on the manuscripts, waved the gun in Harriette's face, and yelled, "You're comin' with me." Glancing at Ralph, she added, "The both of ya."
Now you would have thought that Harriette would be alarmed in such a situation, but not our heroine. Being kidnapped had long been one of her imagined "what-ifs." She felt in little real danger despite the gun that she doubted this blustering woman could aim properly if it were even loaded. Instead, she was more interested to see how the plot would play out and how her fellow writers, all waiting for Ralph's talk, would react. 4
Darla had trouble focusing on two hostages, as multi-tasking was not her strong suit. Seeing his chance, Ralph sprang into action. He lunged toward the tackily clad, gun toting, writing conferencee imposter and with no regard for his personal safety, threw her to the ground. The deafening sound of the gun going off exploded through the corridors!! 5
In the foyer of Master's Hall, Diane was checking her watch once again when the shot rang out.
"I don't believe this," she said. "Somebody please tell me that was just a sound effect from the GBI trailor." She turned as the clicks of high heels on the Georgia quarry tiles got closer.
"Diane!" Genie almost knocked Diane over as she skidded around the corner. "Some whack job shot Ralph!"
"How am I supposed to introduce a dead man?" Diane stalked down the hallway to the free-standing bar. "I need a drink."
"But Diane," Genie watched her leave. "Its only nine o'clock. Besides, we have to find out who shot Ralph." 6
Meanwhile, meek and quiet, Ann watched in amazement. She hadn't been to a writers conference in years. She had been looking forward to this gathering of creativity and intellect and like-minded souls to rejuvinate her flagging spirits.
"What's been going on?" she mused. "Is this what's been happening to my beloved institution? Now it's nothing but a den of porn,intrigue and violence -- wow, how could I have been missing this all these years?"
Immediately Ann went to find someone in authority so she could sign up for next year's meeting while there was still time. 7
Meanwhile, meek and quiet, Ann watched in amazement. She hadn't been to a writers conference in years. She had been looking forward to this gathering of creativity and intellect and like-minded souls to rejuvinate her flagging spirits.
"What's been going on?" she mused. "Is this what's been happening to my beloved institution? Now it's nothing but a den of porn,intrigue and violence -- wow, how could I have been missing this all these years?"
Immediately Ann went to find someone in authority so she could sign up for next year's meeting while there was still time. 8
So absorbed was she in her excitement, though, that she rushed headlong into a rather tipsy Diane(who never could handle her Apple Martinis very well).
"Oh this is just splendid," Diane grumbled, swiping at the dark splash on her blouse where her martini was seeping through. "How am I supposed to solve this shooting and get my blouse dry-cleaned, all before the attendees start filing in?"
She shot an accusing glance at Ann and, tapping the toes of her elegant high-heeled pumps on the polished floor, waited for an answer. 9
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," Ann said. She gave a courtesy smile and shrugged her shoulders. "You know, Tide comes in a stick now. According to the commercials it's wonderful for these little annoying mishaps." Anne smiled again and brushed imaginary dust off of Diane's shoulder. "Oh dear; is that silk?"
Diane bunched her hands into fists and flared her nostrils."A stick!" she bellowed. "I'm standing here looking like I've just dove into three feet of martini, Ralph's been shot, the conference attendees will be filing in at any moment, and all you can say is 'They've got a stick'?"
"Well I must say, the martini smells wonderful. You know, it doesn't even clash with your perfume. I've really got to pee. Excuse me," Ann said and darted down the hall. 10
Jim was standing behind the post that held up the stairway in front of Master's Hall. The parrot sat on his shoulder, "SQUAAAK!"
"Shhhhh," he said, "We can't let anybody know you're here. It's against Center regulations. You have to behave while I'm signing books, but right now we have to find somebody fast."
Jim looked both ways, then ran up the steps, hanging onto the parrot's foot on his shoulder. He had to get to Betty or Judy. They were the only ones who could tell the difference between Diane and her twin sister, Deana. He was pretty sure it was Deana who drank Apple Martini's and got out of jail last week for shooting her Yoga instructor.
It was almost time for Ralph to start. Somebody had to find the real Diane and get this conference going. He ducked into the men's restroom and stuffed the parrot into the waste basket with the swinging lid. He pushed open the door to the hall and looked out. Wally was alone in the hall, hurrying toward the elevator carrying a rifle. Jim went back into the restroom and closed the door. Not Wally! He had to make a plan and he had to do it fast. 11
Diane looked over her shoulder, then slipped inside the Southern Scribes guest suite. She ripped the buttons from her silk shirt in her haste to remove it. Dropping it on the floor, she walked over to an open suitcase and started rummaging through the contents.
"This might work," she said as she pulled an orange cowboy style shirt with pearl button snaps out of the suitcase. "Well, maybe not so well, but it's clean and it doesn't smell like an Appletini. A little big, maybe. Must be Dac's, he writes Westerns. Why doesn't Paige have a suitcase here? Then I could dress Southern Glamour." She put the orange shirt on and went to the mirror to check her appearance.
Giggling at herself, Diane realized that this change in clothes would really get the conspiracy theorists in a twit. Once, at a party, after a few Appletinis, she had convinced everyone that she had an identical twin sister named Deana. Everytime something went wrong, she blamed it on Deana. Now it was a drinking game. Whenever somesaid they had seen Deana, Diane sipped an Appletini from the flask in her Harriette Austin Writer's Conference totebag.
Just to keep the conspiracy theory going strong, Diane took her hair down from its clip, changed the part to the opposite side, and repinned it in place, putting the clip at a different angle.
"Now," she said as she opened the door, "I have a conference to run. And I need to get the mystery writers to figure out who shot Ralph." 12
You don't need the mystery writers to figure out who shot Ralp." The voice, so close behind her, startled her.
Diane patted her chest. "Hoo, don't do that," she said as she turned to view the owner of the soft, but raspy voice.
"Don't turn around. You don't need to turn around."
"Who are you?"
"Just somebody; anybody. Nobody really."
Diane gave a quizzical frown. "What?"
"What's on second."
"Excuse me?"
"Sure, but let me tell you this: If you want to know who shot Jim..."
"Ralp," Diane corrected.
"Yeah, right. Ralp." The voice hesitated a moment. "If you want to know who shot Ralph, then watch the attendees as they file in. Look for lady with huge red glasses. She'd be wearing a yellow dress, purple boots, and a tangerine orange slicker."
"Is she the one who shot Ralph?" Dian asked.
"I don't know," said the voice. I just know that she'll stick out wearing those colors. I figure maybe you could give her some pointers on how to dress for a conference."
"Well, what does that have to do with Ralph being shot?"
"Nothing really."
Diane could take no more of the silly conversation and whipped her head around to get a view of the face that belonged to the raspy, but soft voice.
When she did, there was no one there. She glanced down the hallway and caught the tail of a black coat disappearing around the corner. 13
Harriette was coming out of the second elevator and saw the black coat, too, so she called after it, "Sir, will you please come back here and help me get that poor bird out of the wastebasket in the men's room?" 14
"So that's what that noise was," said Howard Berk, coming up behind her. "I heard a strange sound when I left the men's room, but I didn't stop because someone in there told me that Wally shot Ralph and I wanted to help apprehend the villain if I could."
"Oh no," said Harriette. "It wasn't Wally. It was some wild woman who was trying to shoot me, but Ralph lunged between us."
"Well, what did she look like? Did you see where she went?"
"The shock of seeing that gun and then hearing it go off must have affected my memory," Harriette moaned. "But wait, I have a clear image of purple boots running away from me as I lay on the floor." 15
"I saw a purple boot wrapped in a tangerine slicker and yellow dress in the closet down the hall."
"No, that can't be her, Mr. Beek. I'm sure there were two boots."
"Beck. And she must have gone incognito!"
"In where?" The perplexed Harriette asked 16
"You obviously hit your head when you were shoved to the ground," Beck replied, shaking his head and showing Harriette to a nearby chair he "Just let me handle this.My apologies to Wally." 17
"You obviously hit your head when you were shoved to the ground," Beck replied, shaking his head and showing Harriette to a nearby chair "Just let me handle this.My apologies to Wally." 18
Harriette held up her hand. "Do you hear that?" she whispered.
Way down the hall could be heard the muffled sound of the bird in the waste basket "What's a cognito? Where's a cognito? Squaaaak." Harriette shook her head. "Please somebody go rescue that bird. Never mind about Ralph. I saw him get up and leave while you were chasing Wally. He probably went home to write another book before supper." 19
"My dear Harriett, I will go retrieve that foolish bird from the basket, but first, you must say my name. Its BEEK!, NO!..Its BERK! BERK! And I am dreadfully concerned that you may have damaged your head in that fall." 20
Back in the corridor, a puzzled UGA campus security guard stood over a puddle of red goo.
"So where is the body?" He asked as Jim and Diane looked on.
"Someone must have moved him" Jim offered.
"Look," the guard began.. "This isn't even blood. I studied criminal justice for 3 semesters, and I can tell you, this ain't blood."
"But we heard the shot. There are witnesses." Diane protested. "And why only 3 semesters?"
"Oh, I changed my major to journalism. I want to be a reporter for the Atlanta Journal -- covering serious crime in Hotlanta. Being a security guard keeps me in the game."
"Oh great, now we have fledgling crime reporter on the case." said Diane with a bit too much sarcasm.
"Hey lady, do you want my help or what? You can call me Louie, and I have a theory." 21
“Okay, sleuth, lets have it.” Diane offered with a smirk.
I have a feeling the two are in this together, and I think I know where they are.
After watching Louie open half a dozen doors, Jim and Diane were doubting his instincts when he finally stumbled upon the right one.
“I thought I would find you here!” He shouted, caught far too much in excitement of the unfolding drama.
“You, Mr. McInerny, staged your own assault to promote your next book!”
“I did no such thing.” Ralph replied.
“Ah, then this was obviously a ploy to make your presentation here more dramatic!” Louie persisted.
“Diane, who is this guy? Some wannabe mystery writer?”
“Uh, no, he’s a wannabe crime reporter. But that’s not the point. What’s going on!?”
Darla, who had been standing quietly aside stepped forward and announced “I’m what’s going on! I masterminded this whole plot and it is moving along beautifully!”
“Okay, Kook.” began Diane, “I don’t know what drugs you’re on today, but all this mess does not improve my opinion of your writing skills and there is no way I am going to have a porn specialist present at a writers conference in the middle of the freakn’ Bible Belt!”
“Woah there schizo.” Darla beamed “I know all about you and about that idiot with the parrot and the other nut jobs here today. I’ve done my research. Unfortunately, I’m not sure I am crazy enough to be a writer.”
“Ladies, ladies” Jim edged in “What’s all this about?”
“It’s all there in MY latest work of art -Writers Gone Wild. Read it and weep!”
22
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